Season of Singleness
/5 min
Is it possible to be happy, to find joy… and be single? The QUESTION of my life. For as long as I could remember I’ve been fixed on getting married, on having a partner, but now I can honestly say, I’m grateful to God for the transformation HE did in me and the wholeness He brought to me.
I’ve experienced enough situationships (entanglements as the kids call it lol) and looking back I know that they all happened because of my fear of being alone. My overwhelming longing to always be with someone. Even if I knew they weren’t for me, it was always better for cold, lonely months to have someone in my phone. But where did this leave me? Hurt, often confused, distant and unwillingly to be vulnerable with the RIGHT people.
Situationships kept me stuck, and no matter how much I thought I had “healed” from them, the aching desire to find “THE ONE” (which I don’t believe in anymore, thankfully) grew bigger and bigger; into an obsession I’d call it. Obsessed with what I did wrong, with “what’s wrong with me.” I couldn’t look at my past without regrets, which ultimately meant, I wasn’t learning from it. In my mind, it was black or white. Either I was the problem or all men were trash, no middle ground.
“Use your past to inform—not sabotage—your future.”
Fast forward to April 2019, I found myself single..again, but angrier than ever! I was angry with God… I felt as if He was teasing me (which is not like Him at all). Not because of my last relationship, but of all the relationships, situationships that failed. I was tired… I was tired of being tired. Tired of asking God why I had to be vulnerable, open up, get to know someone on that level if it was never going to work. Tired of asking Him to heal my heart, tired of telling Him “I don’t want to experience this pain again.” I felt that He knew how much I wanted to be in a relationship, one that would lead to marriage, but no matter what I did, I always ended up alone… feeling lonely. For the first time in 26 years, that fairytale idea of “happily ever after” that I had dreamed up as a kid, was shattered… I started to become okay with the idea of being the rich auntie, and threw the possibility of marriage away.
Problem solved right? Not quite. I’ve experienced bitterness in my life before, and this started to feel just like that. It was in that realization that I felt God probing me, saying “it’s time to unpack.” Now I won’t get into the details of all the unpacking I needed to do (and I’m still doing lol), but I will touch on the unpacking of my romantic relationships and how they affected my relationship with God.
I was idolizing marriage. Took me a minute to come to terms with the “idol” part, but that’s what it was. I pray, I read my word, I ask God to use me, but what was always at the top of my list and the front of my mind, was marriage. And not in a like, “I believe in marriage and have the desire to married” kind of way. More like, everything in my life is centered around the idea of marriage. I’d let some of my relationships consume me because I felt as though I would get to marriage quicker.
I’d meet a man, and my mind would immediately start to calculate if he fit into my qualifications for a husband! Like sis, maybe ask him if he has siblings, where he’s from, does he like dogs or cats?! It was an unhealthy mindset, one that I didn’t realize affected a big part of my life. Somewhere deep inside my mind (and probs heart) I believed that life starts when marriage starts (or when you find the person you are going to marry); that my complete happiness depended on that.
I asked the Lord to help me with happiness. To help me learn to happy with me and only me. Slowly but surely, He changed my perspective. I realized I was missing out on life, waiting for this future man. Now don’t get me wrong, I very much believe in marriage and look forward to mine, but there is so much to enjoy while I wait, while I’m single! I spent time getting to know me more and that brought me happiness. I spent time taking myself on dates and that brought me happiness. I spent time traveling, learning more about the lovely people who surround me. Trying new adventures, new experiences, socializing for the sake of just socializing (we can thank Candace for that) and not to see how he can fit into my life. I stopped fixating on my season of singleness, and started to enjoy it!
There is joy here, I promise. I know some nights may feel lonely, especially when you go down the rabbit hole of couplesTikTok, but this is life. It’ll never be perfect, even when you’re married. Some days may feel lonely, but then there’s joy. That, I will no longer let go of for anything. I intend to absorb all the joy my life has to offer me, in every season.
“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God- provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met!”
So if you’re reading this and you’re single, or single again please listen clearly. ALL of life’s moments can be beautiful (not just the fairytale ones). Capture them all, enjoy them all, write down 10 things that bring you joy and copy and paste them into your life daily! Singleness can be rewarding, you just have to adjust your lens. Trust God, and I mean really trust Him. Give the desire of marriage and companionship to Him. He knows what’s on your heart and He’ll give it to you, in His timing.
